So, you want to up your status in the gym from average member to bad ass mutha fucka. It’s not easy for the average athlete to achieve Rick Ross swagger unless you:
a. Are a rap star
b. Are a legit gang banger
c. You reign from Compton and train in NorCal with Garret Fisher and crew
d. You have done time, wear a grill, are a baller’
BUT, the good news is, there are steps you can take to give the illusion that you are in fact a superior bad ass.
1. Leave your shoes untied – Laces are for losers. Are we in kindergarten..are you afraid you might lose your shoes on the playground? There is no need for a snug fit when you are a legit athlete. The only thing worse would be having your initials sketched on the inside of the tongue. Mat Fraser is a straight bad ass; no need to do up your laces while snatching 315lbs.
2. Wear Toms or Chucks – The only thing more bad ass than not tying up your laces, is wearing shoes that don’t even have laces. Wanna be gymNasty…shoes will only weigh your gymnast status down.
Alanimal rocking Toms to get gymNastygirl
3. Be Chill – Losing your cool is not cool. Keep that shit tight. When you go banana’s and start to fall a part, it becomes evident that you are not in fact a gamer. #becool
4. Keep your sweats on – Nothing says “this workout won’t even phase me bro” like keeping your sweats on. It conveys a message that, not only will you not break a sweat, you give zero fucks. Just roll up in your sweats and crop top and snatch 185lbs like it aint no thang.
5. Hood up – A popped hood means one thing and one thing only – you mean biznass.
Hood up, belt on, all bizzz
6. No eye contact – That moment you make eye contact…game over. Eye contact shows weakness, as if, you are concerned with the opinions of others. If you are a boss, you don’t care what anyone else thinks. The only stare down necessary is between you and dat bar.
7. Cross your arms – Nothing says, I’m bored, this is too easy, my workout partner is holding me back, like standing around with your arms crossed. This position of power shows superiority over the competition. #powerstanceFTW
8. Backwards hat – A backwards hat means, I am about to tear this WOD up, BUT I still like to party.
Miranda Oldroyd always reppin that backwards hat. Photo courtesy Rogue.com
9. Grampa socks – #1 they keep your ankles warm, #2 – they look hard as fuck, #3 – they say, I have swagger but I’m not overly concerned with my appearance.
#stancesocks #domyshinslookslim?
10. Grow a beard (if possible) – A beard says, “I can handle the worst conditions life throws at me, I live with a burning hot sweat mask on my face.” There is no messing with these facial conditions. #fearthebeard
#headjudge #zakattack #thatbeardtho
11. Chains – Chains say, mo metal: mo muscle. Throw #2chainz on and take your fitnessing to a whole new level of thug life.
#twochains #chaingang
12. Shake dat ass – That signature pre squat routine. Flip dat hair, pop dat booty, snap your shit. #lindybarberkillendemsquats
That’s a wrap. You want to up that gym status then follow these very legitimate steps to becoming a bad ass athlete.
Now, I will spend the rest of the day explaining my ludicrous gangsta references, swearing and spelling errors to my mom.