The main focus of my blog is to delve into topics around health and nutrition. However, sometimes I just like to write about things that are entertaining because, lets face it, nutrition can be repetitive and some people are happy to just chow down on cereal and cheese sticks and don’t really want my advice. Also, I have a friend with a ruptured patellar tendon who has an atrophied peg leg and I just want to write something she might like to read while lying around deteriorating.
Unspoken Laws of the Grid Iron –
The gym is a sacred place where you can go to escape the days stress, tune out everything in your life and get your swole on. But, what if that day was made even better by a group of awesome people following all the proper gym protocols and making it a magical place to reap mad gainz.
I am not even going to touch the Globo gym scene as there is just way too much awesome stuff going on with all the super hot dudes dressed in Gold’s Gym string bikini tanks, rocking bicep curls in the mirror while listening to ACDC. This post is really aimed at addressing all the special people that make Crossfit an amazing place to train. I also want to add a disclaimer that…not all gyms are the same and this post is not targeting any one person’s specific and awe-inspiring gym regimen. If you are not a fan of sarcasm or satire, you should probably go ahead and stop reading now.
Gym Etiquette – never forget these unspoken rules:
RULE #1 – Always, and I mean always, make sure to ask a shit ton of questions. Also, make sure that your questions are irrelevant to the lesson being taught by your coach. I mean, why bother asking questions pertinent to the class when we could all reap the benefits of your awesome brain wave. Class is monotonous anyway, so its best to monopolize the limited time we do have with a really poignant question and answer period.
RULE #2 – Antiperspirant is way over rated, don’t even bother. I mean, I think this is a given, but just in case you still wear anti p, you should probably stop right now. Smelling the sour musk of your friends and classmates is what working out is all about. If you can’t enjoy the putrid odor of another exerciser then its time to move on.
RULE #3 – Consistently critique classmates and give out cool new advise you learned on YouTube. We all know that Youtube is the hub of all things awesome and scientifically factual. If its on the internet, its got to be true! Make sure to seek out your classmates and point to everything they are doing wrong…they will certainly appreciate the tips.
RULE #4 – Set unrealistic goals and get mad when you don’t achieve them. Gym veterans really love it when newbies come in and expect to do high skill moves in a hot minute. Crossfit is easy and if you can’t pick up a basic muscle up or hand stand push up in the first few months you should be disappointed with yourself…end of story. Since you are most likely on route to the Crossfit Games there is no time to build strength and technique, if you can’t master these moves right now, you should quit.
RULE #5 – Lose your shit. It’s important to let everyone know how passionate you are about fitness. If you miss a lift or mess up a double under, make sure that EVERYONE knows it. Throw your rope, swear, stomp your feet…maybe even remove your shoe and throw it at a classmate. If you do this daily, everyone will know that you take Crossfit seriously.
RULE #6 – Leave
your shit lying around. The best part about the gym is that you don’t have to clean up after yourself like you do at home. The coaches at your gym all took a specialized course in janitorial services specifically so that they could learn to clean up after your ass. They are well versed in picking up dirty band aids, tape and putting away equipment that you so kindly left on the floor.
RULE #7 – Too fast, too furious. This isn’t just the name of a super rad movie staring Vin Diesel, it’s also what we call the gym speed demons. The most important factor in Crossfit is always speed. Make sure to negate technique when possible, this will save time and inevitably land you the coveted whiteboard leader spot.
RULE #8 – Be a chalk whore. You can NEVER use too much chalk. It’s best to chalk up your hands, arms, wrists, shins and quads between sets. There are so many opportunities to lose your grip on the bar that it’s best not to take any chances and make sure to chalk up adequately.
RULE #9 – The chatty Kathy. The gym is a great place to socialize and meet up with your pals, and its best to use class time to catch up on ‘girl talk’. The coaches usually don’t have much to say so if you miss the instructions because you were chatting with your bro, not to worry, they are happy to repeat themselves.
RULE #10 – Wear a singlet. If you know its max lift day at the gym it’s imperative that you wear your singlet. Don’t risk missing a lift because of a loose T or baggy shorts. One of the best parts about the gym is ogling hotties, and singlets really help to highlight the male ballsac. Not only do they help you hit big lifts, they really highlight the physique at its finest.
RULE #11 – The kite runner. I just coined this term, but I think its pretty accurate. Never waste energy by putting the bar down or working on eccentric movements. ALWAYS drop the bar as to save energy. Float that bar above your head and boom, let it fly like a kite. No need to control that bar, it just adds an extra element of difficulty for those who have to dodge it.
RULE #12 – Be ultra competitive. The entire purpose of Crossfit is to make working out into a competition with your peers. Make it a race. Even better, stare everyone down while you pass them. This kind of behavior will create the ultimate atmosphere and make you the fiercest training partner of all time.
So, that about sums it up. If you want to be an awesome athlete, these are the rules to making it so. Follow these unwritten laws of the gym and you will be a star Crossfitter and everyone’s favourite classmate in no time at all.